Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
