There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
