so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
