u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
