enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
