I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
