I want to make a zoo with you.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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