and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
