Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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