Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
