Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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