when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
