Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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