I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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