He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
