U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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