I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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