Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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