i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
