sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
