friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
