god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
