Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
