Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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