She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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