somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
