My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
