next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
