I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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