An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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