Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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