how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
