I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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