News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
