Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
