i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
