Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
