Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
