I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
