I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
