i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
