The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
