My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Even my vagina gasped.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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