They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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