the condom got lost in my hair
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
