you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He has the fingertips of a God
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