I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
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idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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