That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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