1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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