my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
