I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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