That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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