If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
