Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
