You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
