it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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