Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
