you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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