that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
