oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
